Category: Pregnancy

If You Follow

Featured by Karen Loo, posted in Complex medical needs, Downs Syndrome, Faith, Poems, Pregnancy, Tough times

“Your pregnant baby boy has Down Syndrome,”
The obstetrician said
Down Syndrome?
My heart sank.

A world full of brilliant colours
Turned grim gray
A future I was no longer sure I wanted
Captured my breath and dragged down my heart

Down Syndrome?
A world of disability and misunderstanding?
Who will my son be?
What’s more – who does that make me?

Will the other mums see the real me?
Or will I be judged
Based on my son’s disability?

I didn’t want a life of pain and struggle
All I’d wanted was a little baby girl
Cosy in pink and eager to snuggle

God I can understand – sort of –
That you’ve given us a second boy
But God –
Why oh why
Did You not hear my inward cry?

Age 35 is when you’re meant to run the risk
Of medical issues and things you’d rather miss
I’d still some years to go
Why did you allow this sorrow?

My heart breaks, oh God
This isn’t what I wanted
I just wanted a healthy, normal child

God why oh why
Did You not hear my cry?

“You will see,”
He said to me.
“A world you would not know
If you did not follow

It’s a world full of bright greens
Flush with things you’ve never seen
A world full of new starts
In journeys and matters of the heart

It’s not what you thought you’d know
But then this is only discovered
If you follow

A world few people see
That has it’s roots in Me
It’s not a world many know
But stay with Me and I will show

That this journey has many things to learn
If you will only choose to follow.”

Goodbye… or hello?

by Karen Loo, posted in Complex medical needs, Downs Syndrome, Poems, Pregnancy

Will I get to see my precious son alive?

Am I preparing for his first hello?

Or bracing for his final goodbye?


Wrenching, terrifying thoughts

Too many times told he could die

That I may never see his bright, open eyes


Sharp, white hot pain

Arching up my back

“That looks like labour,” the obstetrician said


I know it’s too early

“Prematurity and cardiac is not a good mix,”

I’ve been told


But what can I do?

Nothing in this pregnancy

Has been in my control


Stress levels beyond measurement

I don’t doubt that’s a contributing factor

To this sudden onset of labour


Harsh grip on my thigh

Needle plunged through

Meds to swallow too


“Hopefully this will slow things down,” I’m told

“Steroids to develop his lungs

And meds to stall labour,”

Hospital tests show

This will only be a delay

Labour is imminent


How many days do I have?

Who would know?

Am I preparing for his final goodbye –

Or for his first hello?

The Day I Heard You

by Karen Loo, posted in Abortion, Downs Syndrome, Poems, Pregnancy

It’s confirmed

Downs Syndrome

Only 14 weeks pregnant

And my whole future just changed


Sitting in shock

And disbelief

Staring at a world that looks the same

But the colour palette suddenly changed


How am I to do this?

I’m not the right mother for Downs Syndrome

Couldn’t I just have a “normal” child?

The one I thought I was to be pregnant with?


No answers

No clue

No idea of how I am to do this


Then all at once – you moved

With a rhythmic tapping

From deep inside

You made your presence known


Like tiny little hiccups

Resounding like a heart beat

That even my husband could feel

With his hand pressed against my side


And suddenly, I heard you

From deep within my soul

I knew what you were trying to say


“Mum – I am here.

Downs Syndrome, they say.

Dodgy heart, they say.

But Mum – I’ve got this.


I’m a fighter, Mum.

I can do this.

Let me have my chance.

I want to LIVE.”


Immediately my heart grew firm

And resolve grew, along with you

I would give you your chance

To fight for the life

They said you may not have

To overcome the obstacles that would be in your way

If this is what you want

Then I will fight alongside you

I will do all I can

To look after you and protect you


I will stand against those who think I should abort you

Because child,

This is YOUR life

And your heart is already beating


And so I will journey with you

No matter what lies ahead

Though I pray you are miraculously healed

Of your Downs Syndrome and “dodgy heart”

I will walk the path with you

One day at a time

For your heart

Beats with mine


This poem speaks to our pre-natal NIPT DNA diagnosis of Downs Syndrome at 14 weeks. I sat on our swing chair and just internally froze, wondering how to accept, brace and recalibrate to this curveball that paired with a totally different life than I expected. The photo was taken of Cayden (which means fighter) later in the pregnancy. We named him fighter partly because of this moment – feeling him move and knowing he wanted to fight and beat the odds against him.

You were made to be

by Karen Loo, posted in Abortion, Complex medical needs, Downs Syndrome, Poems, Pregnancy

“Your baby should not be,”

He said to me.

“Any abnormality

I do not want to see.”


I disagreed.

While I didn’t know the outcome for my son

Or what struggles he may face

One thing I knew

Was this little boy –

Had infinite value


My own capacity?

My own strength and ability?

Absolutely a question mark

And not something I could pre-weigh


But this little child?

I would do what it would take

No matter how infinitely hard it was to grasp

How to raise a child with a potential disability


But one thing I knew

Is that to me –

Little boy,

You have infinite value.

And you were DEFINITELY

Made to be.
.


.
This poem was written regarding the pressure from an obstetrician to abort if any chromosomal abnormalities were found in a pre-natal diagnostic test. He believed it was black and white – if there were any abnormalities in your baby, you abort. My husband and I did not agree with his view.

100m Dash

by Karen Loo, posted in Downs Syndrome, Poems, Pregnancy

Sweat gleaming, glistening

Panting

Bending over

Struggling for breath

.

The announcer

The 100m dash is over

But a new race is about to begin

Startled, I hear my voice over the loud speaker

.

The announcer

The 100m dash is over

But a new race is about to begin

Startled, I hear my voice over the loud speaker

.

“Take your positions!”

No choice

But to walk my tired body to the new start line

“Excuse me. What race is this one?” I ask

.

“It’s a marathon, over varied terrain.

You won’t know what’s ahead of you until you get there.

Are you ready?”

Hell no!!!!!

.

Too late.

My name has been called.

I must run this race

Prepared, or not

.

The bell clangs

I start to run

Battling fears and thoughts in my head

How can I run a marathon, when I’ve just finished a sprint?

.

Who said I was good enough for this?

Who thought I had capacity for this?

Why have I been chosen

To run this race?

.

There must be some mistake

I don’t have the skill level for this

Others around me

Pushing ahead and pushing through

.

“You can do it!” They encourage

“We’ve been there! You can do this race!”

Who to believe?

Fear and anxiety jostle each other

.

But it doesn’t matter how I feel

I have a race to run.


This poem describes how I felt when I heard my baby in my second pregnancy had Downs Syndrome. I had struggled enough as a parent of my “normal” first child – I had no idea how to manage being the parent of a child with disabilities. It felt like I had struggled to run a normal 100m race, and now I had a marathon in front of me.

Who for the JOY set before Him…

by Karen Loo, posted in Abortion, Pregnancy

hands-1244210-1919x1274

I had great expectations for pregnancy. Who doesn’t, right? Sure, I knew there would likely be morning sickness and nausea. Some aches and pains. A challenging labour process.

But no way could I ever have been prepared for just HOW HARD pregnancy would be. How many times I would be in tears, just wishing it could all be over. That feeling began at 5 ½ weeks. (There was a long way to go!)

I didn’t realise that pregnancy would take me to a number of hospitals in our city, seeking out different specialists for a variety of unusual pregnancy complications – potentially placenta previa; extensive, unrelenting stomach and bowel pain; a pregnancy cyst that just kept growing that required major abdominal surgery; hyperemesis gravardium.

I started learning technical terms for things I’d never heard of. And I wondered where in heck God was in the midst of all of this.

As I sank to the floor one day by the toilet bowl and cried, feeling like my guts had been twisted inside out and pulled back up through my throat, I felt His whisper.

“Come. Come and see.”

God WAS still with me. I felt Him direct me into our bedroom, where I could sit on our bed and look at the empty space that one day soon will become our baby’s bed. In my mind I could picture this child lying there. Picking him up and cradling him. Singing to him. Watching him sleep.

And I heard another whisper, one I had come to recognise throughout this pregnancy.

“Who for the JOY set before Him…”

I recognised the partial Bible verse. “And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

I felt God was telling me – trying to show me even – that while this season might be about enduring pain and struggle, it would be followed by a season of joy. If only I could hang in there, it would get better. When I held our child in my arms, it would be worth it.

It was a promise but it was still hard to accept. People talk about that moment when you first hold your child and how all the pain of giving birth etc melts into forgotten oblivion. But how can you rely on that promise when you haven’t ever experienced that situation?

The answer, though hard, was mind-blowingly simple. You had to have faith.

I’ll be really honest. Not long ago I posted about abortion and the effects of it not only on the child, but the mother also. I am adamantly opposed to abortion.

However, I have to confess, when this journey of continual pregnancy struggles eked out hour by hour and I was wracked with pain from more than one source, the thought did cross my mind. The temptation to end it all and be done with all this pain and nausea lurked in the background.

But I also know there is a spiritual battle taking place. I know God has plans for this child. As He does for every child conceived. I could never take my baby’s life. I know that for every plan God has for good, Satan will do all he can to oppose it. The temptation to end my baby’s life (with the associated lie that it would end all my physical suffering in pregnancy – leaving out the potential for emotional suffering) did not come from God. It came from the devil.

I was horrified such a thought would even cross my mind. I was comforted to discover that a number of women who suffer from hyperemesis gravardium consider abortion. They become so desperate to end the effects and live a normal life again. I also understood though that if I made that choice I would always wonder about my child and regret not having the courage and stamina to just make it that little bit longer.

What I had to realise afresh was that “for the JOY set before Him – He endured the cross”. That the joy is worth the pain. If I could just make it through this season, I would hold a beautiful baby in my arms. I would have to trust in this process and in God that it would all work out for the best.

Now as I recover from surgery and the nausea slowly abates, and the nine medications through this pregnancy slowly diminish to just two, I’m also discovering the joy.

Where?

In LIFE. As I feel this baby kick. As I feel him move and wriggle and poke my stomach. Those moments are infinitely precious time captures that point me to a future of JOY.

It’s brought to mind the phrase that the things you value most are often the hardest to get.

A friend told me about a widower she heard speak. His story is… beyond words. In years prior, his wife was pregnant. However, due to some medical condition she was told she had a choice. Abort the baby, or die in the process of giving birth.

Can you imagine such a horrendous choice?

This couple had courage I can not begin to imagine. They made the decision, like Jesus, to lay down her life for the sake of another – their child’s.

They went through with the pregnancy.

And she did die. The child, however, lived. The husband now raises his child alone.

I feel there almost needs to be a reverent hush after hearing a story like that.

I am deeply blessed with the certainty that this is just a season. Our baby is growing beautifully and seems perfectly healthy. Eventually my husband and I will hold this baby and the process will feel fully worthwhile.

I need to note that I am incredibly thankful we have not struggled with infertility. I understand this post could feel incredibly insensitive to those that have. I know you would probably do all this and more just for that precious gift. Please know that even while this has been a tough journey, I am so thankful for the gift of this child. I can’t wait to meet him and see who God has given us! I am so very sorry if your journey has not yet brought you to this outcome.

God is gracious to each of us even in circumstances that can involve pain and sacrifice. Like Jesus, like the woman who laid down her life for her child; some sacrifices cost everything we have to give.

Again, I am so blessed that my journey hasn’t been that extreme. But as my husband and I head soon into my third trimester, I am so thankful for a God who sees the struggle and doesn’t diminish it. Who walks with me through the valley. Yet who continually tells me to lift my gaze – to Him, the ultimate Giver of joy and LIFE.

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

 Are you at a stage in your journey that feels tough? How has God encouraged you? Do you feel His presence walking with you, reminding you there are better days ahead? Know that His plans for you are good! He will use all your circumstances for good and restore JOY to you. That’s His promise to you!