When Anxiety Grips

It grips me tightly

This anxious, tense feeling

Muscles in knots

And lungs barely breathing

I’m so used to things going wrong

I can’t imagine good will stay long

There’s always something that will upend

Any future I thought I could portend

This dizzy, sick feeling

Swirls around me

As I spin in place

Searching for things I can’t see

It lies in wait

For any moment of joy

To cast a shadow of worry

Over my sweet little boys

I can’t function

Under such agonies of worry

I miss when life was simple

And I did not feel old and harried

There’s so much going on these days

I can’t keep it straight in my mind

The reminders to keep breathing

When I’d rather scream inside

I don’t want to keep going

It makes it so hard

This jagged, fearful feeling

That sticks to me like lard

I can’t let it go

Though it frightens me so

I want to believe there’s hope

But experience has shown

If you don’t hibernate and worry

Then things will go wrong

Illnesses will jump out and capture you

And you will be strung along

I wish I could let go

Of these worries and fears

But the truth of the matter is

I’ve shed too many tears

I don’t want my sons to go

Through sickness and pain

I don’t want more hospital trips

And agonising medical drips

I just want to go

Somewhere warm and safe

Where I can let go

And trust that I’ll know

That everything will be okay

And even if it’s not

That I can get through just one more day

With Him at my side

Showing me the way

I don’t know what tomorrow holds

And I admit I’m too freaked to know

What curves and rides are ahead

But if I can only take a deep breath

And trade my fears and anxieties

Then maybe somehow, one day –

I can find faith instead.

Written in June 2022 a matter of weeks before my son caught Covid from respite.