Marriage: A Unique Partnership

I’ll admit it. I was three years old when I proposed to a fellow young man.

Alas, my heart was broken. He was not yet ready for marriage at that tender age. (Was I?!)

Later on I tried dating. The boys at school who didn’t believe in God were probably not the best candidates.

When I was sixteen, I heard about the idea that you could just wait and pray for the right person. So began nearly a decade of just that; waitingggggggg and prayinggggggg. (You can imagine I wasn’t very patient).

I was 27 when I met my incredible husband. I learnt a lot through the process of getting to know him and later marrying him.

Firstly, relationships take risk. After so long trying to wrap my head around being a “contented single”, I had used that as an excuse to shut down my heart. I was bitter. I was angry at God that it had taken so long for Him to provide my deepest heart’s desire. It’s hard to receive a gift, while being angry at the Giver. My husband was excellent at chipping away my defenses. He knew I had to be really honest about any fears lurking underneath (inadequacy? Whether I was “lovable” enough?) to be able to work through any issues that cropped up. With God’s grace and my husband’s help, we were able to build a platform where we could be really honest about where we were coming from. Then it was just finding ways to work through those revelations. Risking honesty around the fears and baggage we bring is one of the best ways you can honour each other. You need to know who you both really are before committing to a life-time marriage.

I realised that sometimes relationships don’t look like how you imagined. I thought I would marry someone with cross-cultural experience who wanted to do missions around the world. The man God gave me had been brought up cross-culturally. He came from another country, even. He wanted to travel as well, but for a different reason and purpose to me. In the early stages of our relationship, this caused me to question God. Aren’t we meant to have mirror-image goals and dreams for our lives? My conclusion was that God is much bigger than we are. I continually sought God’s advice over our relationship. When God kept reassuring me that my husband was a great man to marry, even though I didn’t have every question answered, I chose to believe that and trust in this relationship God had given.

Another thing I’ve learnt is around honouring each other’s needs. No matter what, the person you marry – will be different to you! They’ll have different needs, goals and desires. Our job is to discover what those are, and see how we can support them. This needs to work both ways. I think we need to plan to have conversations around how we can meet each other’s needs. If we don’t verbally communicate our needs and desires, how can we expect our partners to instinctively know them? Once you have both communicated your needs (and these may change in different life seasons) it becomes a dance for how you will best use your limited time and resources to meet as many of each other’s needs as possible. But I can testify, that knowing your partner has your best interests at heart (and vice versa) through seeking to meet your most important needs, will build an incredible strength to your marriage.

For people that are newly married, engaged or single – I think you have an incredible opportunity. Often the habits we build at the start of marriage will stay with us throughout our marriages. Why not build the absolute best marriage we can – from the start? Don’t rely on romantic feelings to see you through. If you start your marriage intentionally seeking to bless the other person and build them up, you will see amazing rewards. That act in itself will become a positive habit throughout your marriage. It won’t feel unnatural to suddenly try to praise the other person when in the past you’ve relied on feelings (or the actions of your partner) to spark a positive outburst. Your partner should know they are the apple of your eye. Be deliberate. Look for things you can encourage and praise them in. Thank them for their hard work – whatever they do. Build them up in front of others. Show obvious pride in your partner. It will mean the world to them.

Provide a safe place. The safer we feel with our partners, the more vulnerable we are free to be. Vulnerability, handled well, is a cornerstone of trust and intimacy. Knowing your partner’s innermost thoughts and history gives you an understanding of why they react the way they do. Knowing that if they have a bad day, they can come home and receive comfort (not judgement, disinterest or harshness) creates a safe team environment. You get to be a unique team. It’s the two of you, facing life’s challenges together. Pulling through challenges together lessens the likelihood of you both pulling apart.

My husband and I haven’t been married long. But I have great hope for our marriage. I have seen demonstrated every day the intentional attitude we both have toward building the best marriage we can.

In every situation or interaction, we get given a figurative brick. We can either use that brick positively to build a foundation of love, care and honesty, or we can use that brick negatively to hurt and clobber each other. I know which way I would rather choose. Therefore I will continue to do my best every day to honour my husband by building him up verbally, being honest in our relationship, and providing a safe place that both of us can look forward to sharing.

How will you build the best relationship or marriage you can?