As I shared my story, tears trickled down my cheeks. It was painful to share this memory with my mentor. But when I looked at her for her reaction, I was amazed. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as well as she listened to me.
Something gently, yet deeply, touched my heart. When do people have the capacity to not only listen to your pain, but cry with you?
This woman was in her seventies. She was a widow, with grown children and grandchildren. She was also an immigrant. She moved her with her husband from England in her twenties. New Zealand was her home now, but you could never mistake her English heritage. As tears crept their way gently down her face, I was moved.
There was nothing we could do to change the situation I described. To be honest, I don’t even remember what it was. But I have never forgotten the power of having a friend cry with me. It has forged a depth of relationship and mutual empathy that is hard to describe. The Bible says to “Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15 NLT) Often it’s easier to find someone who will celebrate with you in the good times than someone who will stand with you when times get tough.
Recently I have been reflecting on the power of empathy. Empathy doesn’t just sympathise with another’s pain or experiences; the person listening feels like they are experiencing the same emotions. According to the Oxford Dictionary, empathy means “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. What would our world look like if more of us had empathy for the journeys of those around us?
There are so many areas of this world that is in pain. I think of Syrian refugees, fleeing their country in desperation, hoping for a chance to live and provide for their families elsewhere. If we watched people we loved dying around us as a result of a civil war, wouldn’t we do all we could to protect those we love? Empathy means getting to the same level as someone else and relating to their journey. It means choosing to listen to them. Also choosing not to judge them. Instead, honouring them as fellow human beings who have faced struggles and choices, like all of us.
Recently my husband showed me an incredible amount of empathy. I had been struggling with a lot of stomach pain for weeks. One night the pain was so bad it felt like being stabbed in my stomach. I curled up on the floor to try relieve the pain and I sobbed. Soon I realised my husband had joined me on the rug on our floor. He lay next to me and held me and stroked my hair as I alternately cried and stiffened at times with the pain.
It’s not an experience I ever want to repeat. I hate pain – physical or emotional. I do all I can to avoid pain! Yet the effect of having my husband join me in on the floor amongst my pain felt like incredible love and empathy. I feel almost indebted – in a good way – with just how much love my husband has shown me recently as I haven’t felt well.
Thankfully the pain eased and eventually I felt perfectly fine again. Go figure. But those moments I’ve experienced empathy become like precious flagstones I never want to forget.
In the Bible in John 15:13 (NLT) it says “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Sometimes I think in a Western context that verse can be hard to grasp. We’re not faced with daily persecution where to love Jesus means we could be killed that day. But I feel my husband gave me a glimpse of that. He had his own things he wanted to achieve with his evening. Instead, he put aside his own agenda and plans, and set himself to understanding what I was going through.
I am so thankful we have a Saviour in Jesus Christ whose very nature is defined by love. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT) declares “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” God empathises with us.
Some people don’t like to show weakness. They feel it makes them appear vulnerable. What I love about God is that He doesn’t judge us for our weakness. (Doing something wrong is different; we do need to pray and ask God’s forgiveness – and sometimes the people we’ve wronged too – to make the situation right, but I’m talking about weakness in the sense when we feel down or show vulnerability with where our hurts are).
If you are going through a painful situation right now, know that God “heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds” – Psalm 147:3. You don’t have to pretend with God. You can tell Him how you really feel. Ask Him for His help. He is not going to judge you for going through a season of pain, in whatever form that looks. Even if the pain is the result of your own poor choices. He will always hold you close and comfort you, even as He directs you to a better path in future.
I often lean on the verse from Isaiah 40:28 (NLT) “…No one can measure the depths of his understanding.” People can be rude and unkind. All of us have the capacity to hurt each other. But I love knowing that when I feel unfairly criticised or hurt I can come to the God of all comfort, and the God whose understanding no one can fathom. I know God understands me. He knows my heart and my very thoughts (Psalm 139). Even if people misunderstand a situation and cause us hurt, God knows where each of us is coming from and why both parties may have reacted the way they did.
If you let Him, God would love to come into your situation and bring healing. Only He knows what you need. Why don’t you invite Him into your situation and see what He will do?
Navigating Life's Curveballs 